Some beef?

By MICK RUD 

In Soviet Russia they used to kill animals using hand grenades. The only stuff remaining after a controlled explosion and quick disintegration of skin tissue, were horns and hoofs. That's why soviet people were so pissed at everything and everyone. These days, you can get a good quality piece of meat, even if you live in Prague. It takes some time and effort, but nothing is impossible, right?

To bring some variety into your everyday food consumption, do the following: kill a cow (buy some beef - also an option), get some cherries, apples and rice. Get a bottle of wine, the one you can and actually will drink. Marinate your meat in that wine for some time.

Start to consume alcohol (you never know, if that cow is safe to eat). Now, get the pan on the heat and wait till it gets red. If your pan never gets red, just wait till the bits of food you didn't wash off last time start to smoke and stink. Now, that is the perfect time to pour some quality olive oil and throw in your meat. Get the color on the sides, and some medicine to heal your burns. Take off the heat and straight into the oven. We all have different ovens, so just keep it in there for 20 minutes at 200C, or whatever your standard temperature and time for such delicate operations is.

Then you want to caramelize the apples (sliced) and your cherries. Get your wife/lover/annoying sister/neighbor/dog to boil and cook rice or to do everything else. Done! Enjoy!